Reblog if you’d care if I killed myself



i tried to scroll past this but that one reblog just might save somebodies life 

I tried to scroll too..

Reblogged. I’m human, of course I care. 

Dear Diary

So I’ve been back for a while now, avoiding writing on this until now, as I lie in bed and it actually seems like the most logical thing to do.

I’m a mess, lately. Everything feels worse in the house when when I left. Dougie, I hate him so much that I finally deleted his number the other day, only after ignoring myself say “just delete them” every time I read his hurtful texts, but no, instead what did I do? I rose to it and made things worse. I called his Mum today to explain everything, she was lovely as always. I expected it to be awkward but she handled it with dignity and grace, being the wonderful woman she is.

I have no idea how she ever had a child like Dougie… And I mean child! I mean come on, 24 years old and refuses to clean his own mess and even put a bin bag in the bin and do his washing up, which has sat there for almost two weeks! I can’t deal with it anymore, especially with my friend coming soon, like on Wednesday! Jesus.

I’ve given up with the idea of trying to get out there and meet someone, too much has happened and I can’t fool myself anymore because I’m just not in a people mood. I’m afraid I’m becoming cold and cynical because so many people seem to be proving their true colours now.

Simon Day proved finally when he text me asking if I knew any drug dealers, that he only contacts me when he wants something, I basically replied to him “Hah!” As if to say “I knew it!”

Sean, flirting is great and I do most of the time genuinely want to be with him. But when we don’t talk, and he neglects to contact me, it’s like what’s the point! I can’t force this…

Oh and I’m starting to think that if we weren’t in certain places with certain people at certain times that we would be fortunate enough to not hear things we wish we could unhear…
In what started as a fun party at David’s yesterday, things erupted and David yelled at me and Natasha and made us feel bad, as he has done to me many times. But in front of a big group of our mutual friends. And this time he did it to Natasha too and they live together… I never realised until I had drinks with her an talked for hours the other night how much we have in common. And last night I couldn’t believe how upset the ordeal with David made her. It was like seeing this other side of her that I just felt like I shouldn’t be seeing, I tried to be as supportive as possible whilst trying to mask my own feelings and pretend the whole thing wasn’t a big deal, but really the whole emotion thing made me feel uncomfortable… I felt like I should be expressing some sort of emotion and when I wasn’t I just felt empty. Empty and drained, like god knows how long I’ve been doing this.
I don’t want to make things with David a big deal because I love him, and I don’t know how I’d deal with losing his friendship or him. But how can I just pretend anymore that things are normal?

The worst thing is despite feeling despondent and empty all day today even working in the charity shop, in play rehearsals, he was so nice and just, well, the David I love.

And I think that just made it more painful, knowing what I know, being the only one there who knew why Natasha, the play’s director had gone home to Portsmouth. It feels like everything has changed. And nobody gets why I’m distancing myself, especially David.

Do I want him to know? He invited me over, but I said no, on principle but inside I was screaming “he’s making an effort, he’s being amazingly nice” and yet I told myself it’s not enough. I can’t pretend things are okay.

Things are so fucked up that I don’t even know in my head how I feel about this, am I hurt? Am I okay? Why won’t I let myself get close to him right now? There are far too many questions and not enough sufficient answers to make sense.

I can’t lose David. But right now I barely feel like I can hold onto myself.

Day Two, Lecture One: Helen Jacey & The Vision


Lecture One

October 11th 2012

Professional Studies & The Vision

I found this lecture particularly interesting because Helen Jacey talked about her work and career within the scriptwriting industry and then went forth to ask us to think about where we would imagine ourselves in five years… this I found useful as I ended up writing out half a page about my dream job, which I had recently read about.
                I’ll first talk this time about the points Helen mentioned that I found useful… a lot of the advice seemed like common sense but at the same time so much common sense is overlooked (and we don’t actually consider it). Points such as ‘take an intro to directing course’ I guess this is so you can learn how you work in terms of style, she went on from this to talk about getting involved with short films, write and make as many as possible because ultimately it’ll all look good on a media showreel.
                Helen talked about getting an agent and how forming relationships with agents are crucial in the sense that they are going to be the ones getting you work and you will probably want to please them since you will be spending a lot of time together. It made me imagine myself having an agent who was also a friend and honestly the idea sounds amazing, very appealing (I’m sure it’s all the rage!)
                Interestingly enough Helen talked also about the relationship between director and scriptwriter and said that it is usually both the writer and director that would take it upon themselves to source and approach a producer in the hopes of them taking on the project, I found it cool to know we should pick the director ourselves (of course that is only if you know someone). This brings me onto what Helen said next, probably the most basic thing, it’s not just about what you know ‘it’s about who you know’ (I know no-one, help me I’m poor!)
                Anyway the vision part of this, my vision… here goes (I’ll type out what I wrote in my notes…)
In five years’ time I hope to have had three/four years work experience and I would like to be a regular writer in something and perhaps be in the process of being headhunted! It’s the halfway point to my dream job (Vice President Of Creative Development for ABC Studios.) I’d like to have as many contacts as possible and have written several features and filmed several shorts to put on my showreel and CV so that when I eventually move to America to pursue a career at ABC Studios (or wherever maybe ‘Pathe’), they will want to hire me. Also to be producing, acting and directing from time to time… And then in capital letters with several exclamation marks are the words ‘GET AN AGENT!!!’ I specialise in writing horror/suspense thrillers and romantic comedies and drama… hopefully in five years time I will be more experienced in all those areas. That is my dream! So now you know me, my reasons for ABC Studios are simple… they do all my favourite shows ‘Ghost Whisperer’ ‘Desperate Housewives’ ‘Lost’ ‘Cougar Town’ ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ ‘Brothers & Sisters’ Need I go on? As for ‘Pathe’ they did horror films such as ‘Creep’ and ‘Jeepers Creepers’ etc.